


To Lee Taeyong, From Jung Jaehyun

by cjdsjmlyx



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 97 liners gc, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Confessions, Fluff and Angst, Love Letters, M/M, NCT 127 Ensemble-centric, One Shot, but donghyuck is donghyuck, jaehyun is jaehyun not yoonoh, jaehyun whipped for taeyong basically, pretend technological advancements were the same for 3 generations, wont tag much bc spoilers, yuwin is a side ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23476009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjdsjmlyx/pseuds/cjdsjmlyx
Summary: Jaehyun writes a letter to Taeyong, hoping whatever emotions he's feeling would be delivered along with it.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33





	To Lee Taeyong, From Jung Jaehyun

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This fic is dedicated to someone special. I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> If you happen to stumble upon this fic, thank you! I hope you enjoy it as well!
> 
> English is not my first language, excuse grammatical errors if you ever encounter them (:

~***~

**Lee Taeyong,**

Hi hyung, I hope you’re having a really nice day today. To be honest, I have no idea why I decided to write you a letter even though I could practically reach you by a simple tap on the phone. Maybe I’m trying to be a romantic because I know how much you like watching those romcoms on Netflix. Though I put much thought on it, never in a million years have I ever thought of myself as someone romantic. I can't even put a "dear" beside your name thinking it would be really fucking sappy as if writing to you isn't. 

There’s really not much I would like to tell you through this letter, really. I just thought that maybe I can tell you what I feel and pray to the gods of whatever feelings to guide my emotions to reach to you through this. Don’t judge me, I have never done this, I don’t know how to start this, so I googled something about writing a letter and those Wikihow articles didn’t feel right. 

Did you know that my first impression of you was something I’m not really proud of talking about? When I look back at it now, it feels ridiculous associating you with that memory, but at the back of my mind I’m honestly still a little bothered by it. It started when I was first introduced to you, as a friend, as someone new added to 127.

-*-

_"Hey, Jaehyun. Long time no see, bro," Mingyu greeted me with a wave as I entered our usual hangout place, Jungkook's place. Everyone was already there, sitting messily but comfortably._

_I placed the boxes of pizza I brought on the coffee table before taking my seat beside Minghao. Bambam immediately took a slice to his mouth like the hooligan he is. "What were you talking about before I came?"_

_Seokmin, still focused on playing some mobile game on his phone answered, "Nothing much. Just some things happening around the school right now, some prof's scandals, a little bit of deciding whether to add that kid named Chan to our group." He turned off his phone and went to get a slice for himself too._

_"Why do you insist on calling him a kid when he's almost a month older than me? But, yeah, we're from the same neighborhood and he's really nice. Really fun to be with too," Yugyeom said while trying to smack Seokmin's hand that somehow ruined the slices. I stayed silent, I don't really know much about these people. I was probably added to this group the same way, too._

_"When will we add Sicheng here, though? I would really love to meet him, Jae. He's Chinese, and he dances really well. He looks like he's very mature too, unlike most of you shitheads," Minghao asked me as he was trying his best to get a piece for himself while pushing the brawling Yugyeom and Seokmin away from the box. "Can't you two last a day without being physical? God."_

_"I did talk to him about it, but he's quite shy. He said he'll think about it, though. I'll convince him more, he would also love to meet a fellow Chinese with sense,"I said half-jokingly. I have already introduced them to Sicheng before, and although I know he'll match well with Minghao, I think these 97s would just corrupt his purity. Not that he’s actually pure, though. For all I know, he knows something I can’t even imagine._

_"Speaking of adding someone to our group," Jungkook tried to get his way through the maze of tangled limbs and people to the pizza, "I saw your IG story yesterday, hanging out with Doyoung hyung's friends. What's up with that?"_

_I felt myself smile as I tried to recall everything that happened yesterday. "Yeah, they just added me to their friend group. It was called 127. They were all really nice, I really love their company. Some of them were your classmates in some classes, if I'm not mistaken. Anyways, we didn't expect it either, it was Yuta's birthday, of course he'd drag Sicheng in._

_I was with Sicheng when Yuta told him where his friends would hang out and they invited me too. The next thing I know I was added in their chaos. It was really fun."  
"Really," Jungkook sat back down to his side of the couch, turning the television on. "Wasn't Lee Taeyong also in that group? Hey, what movie do y'all want to watch?"_

_Everyone turned off their phones, and Mingyu sat up from lying down at the bottom of the couch. "Anything but horror. I'm getting bored of those," he said as he stretched out his slenderman-inspired limbs, almost toppling everything on the coffee table off._

_"Same," Seokmin agreed, although he subtly tried to squeeze near Yugyeom. "Wait, you're friends with Taeyong hyung now, Jae?"_

_"Yeah, along with Mark (no Bambam, not Tuan), Donghyuck, Jungwoo, Doyoung hyung, Taeil hyung, Johnny hyung, and Yuta hyung. They were all rowdy, but nothing beats your mess even though they were larger in number," I added before feeling my side hurt because of Minghao's deadly elbow._

_I didn't recognize it earlier but a frown never left Jungkook's face since he asked about Lee Taeyong. "Is there something wrong with me being friends with them?" I hesitantly asked him._

_"I wasn't against you being friends with them, it's just that I heard things about that Taeyong guy..." Jungkook trailed. He looked like he was about to drop the topic but with someone who loves gossips as much as he loves looking at himself in the mirror like Mingyu, Jungkook continued. "I'm quite close with Jimin hyung, right? Apparently, he and Taeyong hyung used to be a thing. As in, 'dating' kind of thing. Told us their make out sessions used to include lots of orals and out of all the flings he's had, Taeyong's mouth apparently was the best. He basically told us how much of a manslut Taeyong is, having to learn a lot from experience."_

_"The heck, really? I mean, I don't trust that Jimin friend of yours, Jungkook, but that's wild as hell," Yugyeom commented. "He looked so innocent and sweet, though. Taeyong hyung, I mean. Jimin hyung is so far from that. I don't know about you guys, but I don't and wouldn't trust a word he says. No offense Jungkook," Minghao looks far from apologetic though, gladly Jungkook didn't take any offense._

_"Well, that’s something I have zero idea about. Who in their right mind goes around saying they’ve been with Jimin? It’s their own thing, though, and I don’t think he’ll ever be comfortable to talk about that,” I tried to sound as nonchalant as I can, but I’m pretty sure I looked really bothered. Who wouldn’t? I do know that some people in our school fuck, and that it’s none of my business, but I guess I didn’t expect that those rumors are actually true. More importantly, someone as innocent as Lee Taeyong would be involved in those. “Let’s watch ‘Mr. Right’. I heard it’s an okay film.”_

_Thankfully, all of them thought of dropping the topic as well, continuing with the usual bicker within the group as we all try to concentrate on watching the movie._

-*-

Up until now, I was still heavily bothered by that. Based from the now-one-year time of being your friend, I see you as someone so pure. I never really had the courage to ask you about that. I feel like you would open up about that if you ever feel like it, and that's completely fine. You never need to justify yourself to people because of some rumors about you. Although honestly, I'm concerned about how people think. If that kind of news got to me, how hard is it for other people to know about that? You tend to let other people trample you down, saying it was fine, even though you are clearly hurting. I wish I could clear your name, I wish I could punch Jimin everytime I see him, I wish those rumors never got to you. I hope that now you have an idea about that, you wouldn't bring yourself down too. It was a baseless rumor, you don't have to work yourself too much because of it.

That was quite a strong start for this letter, I'm sorry. But even with that kind of rumor, I know for a fact that you are a kind person. Even kind is an understatement of how compassionate and sympathetic and caring and understanding and thoughtful you are. Seriously, how did Earth produce such a person? Moreover, how could Earth treat such person harshly? You try your best to make people feel like they belong. You made me feel like I belong to 127 when I was first introduced to all of you. Sure, you look quite intimadating at first, but your smile was so warm and welcoming. I usually blend well with people, but with 127 honestly I had a really hard time blending in. I was someone foreign to everyone. It didn't help that I was in the same club as Taeil hyung, Doyoung hyung, and Donghyuck because they were all from different courses. You, however, managed to clear the obvious barrier. You even gave me your slot for that one concert we all agreed to go to. 

-*-

_I’ve been a member of 127 for months now, but I honestly feel like they were too ahead of me. It was suffocating, and although I do enjoy the times I was hanging out with them, at the end of the day, I still feel like an outsider. Thankfully, their noises bury those negative thoughts._

_We’re currently sitting together at the gazebo by the school grounds. It was a hot day so we decided to hang out a little bit before going home. It’s almost the end of school year, and we were all planning on things that we could do during summer vacation._

_“Guys, what if I collect all our tickets so that none would be lost or forgotten at home?” Taeil hyung suggested. “This concert is something that we should not miss, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience.”_

_Ah, the concert. I was not able to buy my own ticket for that since my family was financially struggling during the ticket-selling. I was disappointed because once again, I’m left out. Aside from that, the concert is something that I have waited for so long but due to circumstances, I wouldn't be able to attend. I remained silent while they each got their tickets out._

_“I think it’s a good idea. Just make sure you’re not the one who will forget about bringing them this Saturday,” although teasing, Jungwoo still brought his ticket to Taeil hyung. He just rolled his eyes at him but still accepted the ticket._

_When the collection reached Taeyong hyung, he drew his hand back as if he suddenly remembered something. “Shit, I almost forgot. I wouldn’t be able to go,” he said regrettably.  
My eyebrows went up. The table was full of gasps and ‘what?!’s as if Taeyong hyung dropped something scandalizing. “What do you mean, hyung? We’ve planned on going to this concert for so long! I thought Lee Sooman was your idol?” Donghyuck dramatically whined._

_“He was! And he still is! It’s just that, my family arranged for us to go to this hiking trip and they scheduled it to be this Saturday too. I told them to change the schedule, but apparently, they have long booked for a three-day stay at a lodge over there,” he explained. He sighed before adding, “I really really would love to go with you guys to the concert, but you know how my family is. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it, but I love them too much to pass the chance,” he smiled. “Plus, it would be the first time for me to go hiking! It would still be like we were all enjoying our times, just, not together, I guess.”_

_Complaints and concerns were raised, most complaints coming from Donghyuck. I still remained silent, though I still wished something could be done so that they all could still be together. When the argument almost came to the decision of not going to the concert altogether, Taeyong hyung looked at me and smiled, as if a great idea has struck him._

_  
_

_That smile. Taeyong hyung is breathtaking in every angle, but that smile is what seals the deal. His sharp facial features, accentuated by almost a dozen piercings, made him look intimidating, but his smile is so warm and soft, as if waking up to the soft rays of morning sun in winter after a good night’s long sleep. The gentle stretch of his lips gave the feeling of the soft flower bud opening up to greet the world, his teeth so perfect that it could be compared to the summer clouds by the field when it’s not too sunny to go out. He is breathtaking, but his smile could bring me back to life. If I could dedicate a soft color for him, I would. I could write a whole novel with that smile of his. It’s my favorite feature of him. My heart skips a beat every time he looks at me with those soft eyes and whenever that smile is directed at me, I wish I could be the reason of it everyday. I wish the world could see how perfect that smile is, how special, how amazing._

_I was pulled out of narrating my undying fondness of his smile when he pointed at me. What were we talking about again? Did he notice that I was staring at him?_

_I ignored the heat creeping up my face and, with much force exerted than necessary, I kept my cool and looked at everyone who I just noticed were also looking at me expectantly. “Yes? Do I have something on my face?” I joked, trying my best not to show I’m getting nervous that Taeyong hyung might have an idea that I really like ~~him~~ his smile._

_“Well, beauty, but that’s already obvious,” Taeyong hyung teased. Even though it was obviously a joke, I almost choked. “I said, I could give you my ticket so you could come. It would be fun with you there, I know you really like Lee Sooman,” he explained, reaching his ticket out to me._

_“Yeah, that way we could be kind of complete,” Johnny hyung agreed, smiling at me as well. He winked too, as if he can read why I was so distracted a while ago. He may look like a goof, but he’s really instinctive. I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually knows that I like Taeyong hyung, but I know he won’t say a thing to anyone. It’s actually a relief._

_I bit my lip, contemplating. Sure, I really love to see Lee Sooman perform, go there and enjoy my time with the boys. It could even uplift the obvious strain when I’m with them. It’s a tempting offer, but I don’t have enough money to pay him back for it._

_They all looked at me with waiting eyes. I sighed first and said, “I would really love to, really. That’s a nice offer, but I don’t have money right now to pay you.”_

_“It’s okay, you don’t have to pay me,” I was about to argue when he added, “but if it would make it not-burdensome, then I guess you could pay me whenever you can. But really you don’t have to.”_

_“Come on, Jaehyun hyung! You most of the time were not able to come with us because you’re really busy as the VP of the student body. This could be our quote-unquote bonding time. Please?” Mark urged me as well._

_I’m not someone difficult to persuade. Moreover, how can I resist Mark and Taeyong hyung almost literally shooting me their puppy eyes? “Alright. I’ll come,” I finally said and reached out to take the ticket from hyung. I may be imagining it, it's ridiculous, but I think I felt something electrifying when the tips of our fingers touched that I flinched._

_Clearing my throat, I gave him a thankful smile. “Thank you, hyung. I promise I’ll pay you back when I have my allowance.”_

_I smiled at the ticket before giving it to Taeil hyung for safekeeping. Now, I know I sometimes get delusional with things that involve Taeyong hyung, but I swear I heard a soft “seeing you happy like that is already enough for me” from him._

-*-

By that time, I have already developed a small crush for you. I was crushing once again! It’s been so long since I’ve had that feeling of lightheadedness because of someone. The excitement and thrill is something familiar, but somehow, with you, it’s also something unfamiliar. It was the first time I felt something close to attraction to a friend, and honestly, I was terrified a little bit. Couples within the same friend group is not something new to me, and that’s what scared me. The couples I know that were part of the same group didn’t end well, and most of the time, their breakup affected the group negatively.

I was not planning on cultivating those small feelings into something more, for your information. But can you really blame me? You’re full of talents, and you effortlessly excel in them. You dance really well that sometimes whenever you drag me to accompany you to the dance room, I feel like running away. I’m afraid you'd catch me shooting you heart eyes when you get focused on dancing. Trust me, it takes a lot of effort for me not to chase every bud of sweat rolling down your body because, of course, that would be really weird. I don’t know much about dancing, I’m part of the glee club and not the dance club, but somehow, I feel every emotion with every sway and pop you do in your dance. The way you move is so mesmerizing, hypnotizing. Your talent in rap is also something worth mentioning. It’s not just that you could rap fast, you also make sure you exude charm with it, delivering it with clarity unlike most rappers these days. The lyrics you do are full of emotions as well, each words well-thought out. It was as if the words chose themselves to represent the thoughts you had while writing them. It attached itself to every listener’s mind, and I think that’s really wonderful.

You are also the definition of caring. You handle each responsibility handed to you with ease, not letting a single sign of being stressed out show. But after months of observing you, I know you are burdened by these as well. It’s really subtle, but the tiny crease in your eyebrows, the slight frown in your lips, the slight fidgeting of your right thumb, the occasional scratch, they were always there when you are stressed out. They don’t only show up when you’re studying for a finals or when the dance club faculty adviser tells you your dance feels a little dull (which I call BULLSHIT), but also when 127 sometimes get to the point of being too much to handle. Being one of the eldest in the group, you deemed yourself responsible of making sure there’s nothing wrong with everyone.

-*-

_It’s almost 7 pm when Junmyeon hyung and I went out of the SSG room. As the president and vice president of the student body, we were assigned to check and arrange the students and their documents to their respective clubs, making sure that every member of those clubs are qualified. It took us a whole day and a whole lot of energy, but at least we’re done with all of those._

_I waited until Junmyeon hyung made sure the room is locked before moving to accompany him to the guard house to return the building’s keys. When he saw me going to the same direction as him, he smiled and said, “it’s late, Jaehyun. You better go to your dorm now. Your phone’s almost dead most of the day, your roommates must be worried. I can bring this to the guard myself.”_

_Before I even had the chance to open my mouth to protest, he cut me off. “Don’t worry, I’m a big boy now. I can handle myself,” he added jokingly. I looked at him teasingly from head to toe, and although he rolled his eyes, a laugh was laced in his voice. “Whatever you’re thinking of saying, shut up. Just go. Have a good night,” he waved at me, smiling sweetly. After waving back at him, he finally turned to go to the guard house. I proceeded to go to the boys’ dormitory when I saw someone sitting by the bench beside the only tree in the whole campus._

_I’m not scared of ghosts, even though I have heard a lot of stories from Yuta hyung about spirits here. No, of course ghosts are not real, but it wouldn’t hurt to be cautious, right? So I carefully approached the person and from afar, I can tell it's a male person, but with his head hanging low, I can’t see much of him. He has stark black hair, he’s a little skinny, but because he’s wearing a sando shirt, there was a little muscle action going on with his arms. He’s also wearing a necklace with a ring pendant hanging from it. If I'm going to study his body structure, his age may be a little close to mine._

_“Is anyone there?” I quietly called out to him. He didn’t look up. I don’t like to admit it, but I can feel the chills crawling up my body. Suddenly, the wind sounded harsh before my ears, it felt eerily cold._

_“Hello?” I called out to him again, now a little louder._

_Just as I was thinking of how to run towards the dormitory without alerting whatever being it was sitting a few meters before me, it suddenly looked up. I almost shrieked, but the terror was replaced with relief when I realized it was a familiar face._

_It was Doyoung hyung._

_“Hey,” he greeted back with a small smile, but relief was replaced with worry when I saw his smile not quite reaching his eyes. I wasn’t able to see it earlier because of the limited light provided by the small fairy lights around the branches of the tree, but when I approached him, I saw red around his eyes._

_He must have seen my worry because he sniffed and wiped his face with his arms. “Don’t mind me, I’m just… feeling a little… I just wanted to be emo for a little while,” he said, trying for a small laugh to make it look like it was really nothing, but looking at him like that, it almost sounded like a sob._

_I quietly sat down beside him. Out of all the members, Doyoung hyung is the one I’m really comfortable with. I feel like next to Taeyong hyung, he’s the closest to me. “I won’t talk, and it’s okay if you don’t feel like talking. Im just going to sit here so that people won’t think you’re a resentful ghost roaming around this old tree,” I tried to joke to make the atmosphere a little light. He chuckled a little, but didn’t say any word again._

_We sat there in silence for about 5 minutes with only the occasional buzz of the crickets present. It was peaceful, close to calming, and i would think it’s relaxing if it weren’t for the strain in the air because of whatever hyung's mind is currently running off to. When he sighed, he looked like he was about to talk so I faced him, when we were both startled by the ring of his phone._

_It read “Taeyong hyung”, but it didn’t ring for more than 5 seconds because Doyoung hyung declined the call. I was confused, but I stayed silent. Maybe he didn’t want to talk to anyone for now, seeing as he went outside the dorms._

_“They were looking for both of us,” he informed me._

_“Us?”_

_“Yeah, it’s been quite a while since I’ve been out. I wasn’t here earlier, but I moved when I feel like they all went back to the dorm,” he explained. I nodded, not knowing what to say next._

_His phone rang again, the same caller illuminating his phone. He once again declined it._

_“You should go. They were all worried, especially Mom,” he waved him phone at the mention of mom. He was pertaining to Taeyong hyung because he sometimes act like our own mom, but it’s not unwelcome. It’s heartwarming, even. “Go first. I’ll follow after. Tell them not to worry, I’ll be up after 10 minutes,” he added._

_“Will you be okay here?” I asked. If he wanted some alone time, maybe that’s what he really needs._

_“I’ll be fine, I just need a little breather,” he said. When he saw me not budging at all, he said, “really, I’m okay. I mean, not really, but I’ll be,” I still continued to look at him with obvious worry. “If I’m not up after 10 minutes, come fetch me,” he assured me._

_“Okay. Take care, hyung. If you ever need someone to talk to, you know my room’s just across yours, okay?” I stood up and went to go up to the dormitory. Everyone’s face was full of worry when I saw them at the lobby area. Some sighed a breathe of relief, Donghyuck and Sicheng both hugged me really tight, and Taeyong hyung looked at the door as if waiting for someone else to come in too._

_“I’m fine, I was with Junmyeon hyung the whole day at the SSG room. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to text, my phone’s dead,” I assured them, not bothering to get away from Donghyuck and Sicheng’s leech hugs. I looked at Taeyong hyung who's fidgeting as he constantly looked at the door and his phone. “I saw him earlier. He told me to go up first. He said he’ll be up after 10 minutes.”_

_“Where is he?” Taeyong hyung asked._

_I hesitated to tell him where Doyoung hyung is, but looking at me with pleading eyes, I gave in. “He’s by the bench beside the tree.”_

_“Thanks,” he said quickly before running off to fetch him._

_I felt a little pang at my chest, but I quickly shooed it away. It was nothing, i’m overthinking again. Of course he’s worried, Doyoung hyung is his childhood friend. If something was wrong with one of them, the other would go running, whatever the situation is._

_“Taeyong just sent me a text. We should eat first, he said they’ll follow later,” Yuta hyung informed us. Donghyuck and Sicheng finally gave me back my personal space, but Johnny hyung immediately placed his arm around my shoulders, as if comforting me for something._

_Taeil hyung nodded, going to the kitchen to start preparing the table. “Let them be. They have a lot to talk about now.”_

_Johnny hyung once again rubbed my shoulders comfortingly before helping with the preparation. Something didn’t feel right, but what can I do aside from being clueless?_

-*-

You are caring, compassionate, kindhearted, and responsible, but you’re also really strong. You were able to balance everyone’s emotions and your own. You have such a soft heart that most of the time you appear vulnerable, and you're not afraid to show it. That is, of course, only for those few people that you trust. You have trust issues because some people just don't deserve your trust, but to those lucky few which included me, you really treasure your bond between them. 

Maybe that's what I adore the most about you. You don't pretend to be strong, staying as transparent and open, every emotions reflected in your eyes without dishonesty. Because of this, you're very easy to read, and you let people to do so. For me, that's actually what makes you really strong. You admit to yourself and to others that there could be weaknesses and flaws within you as much as everyone else, and you try not to let those flaws bring you down. It's extremely hard for other people, but you let those you trust to help you whenever you needed them. 

-*-

_It's Saturday, and unlike everyone else, I stayed in my room since last night, eating ice cream and watching some close to crappy shows local TV stations have to offer. They all went out last night, partying their asses off because exams are finally over._

_Well, all except me and Taeyong hyung._

_Who just knocked on my door, wrapped up in his favorite blanket, holding a mug of hot choco with lots of cream at the top, looking soft as ever, even though his hair’s a mess and his eyes are still a little red. The last part is a little worrying, but it may also be just because he stayed up until late last night._

_“Uhm, good morning, hyung?” I greeted him, though it came off as a question because although it is common for people to look messy in the early morning, it was unusual for him to come knocking at 5 am._

_He blinked before he greeted a simple “mhm, mornin’” back. I continued staring at him, and he just stared back at me. My brain is not yet functioning. What does he want at such an ungodly hour? But I don’t mind, wake me up at any time so as long as someone adorable as Lee Taeyong is the one waking me up._

_“Why are you here, hyung?” I started, but thinking it may sound rude, I added, “is there anything I can help you with?”_

_“You’re really adorable, Jaehyun. D’you know that?” he said, still half-asleep. The cogs in my brain were a little rusty earlier, but that compliment gave me a tiny energy boost._

_“Uh, thank you..?” I opened the door slightly wider. “Do you… do you wanna come in?” I asked hesitantly._

_“Mhm,” he simply replied and went in, dragging the blanket along with him before sitting at the couch._

_I just stood there for about a minute or two like an idiot, not knowing what to do with him. After slightly waking up because of Taeyong hyung’s cute morning face, I decided I should wash up and brush my teeth first._

_“I’ll go and wash up first. Do you want anything to eat for breakfast?”_

_“No. Go, I’ll talk to you about something after you finish,” he replied before sipping his choco a little, still having a staring contest with the plastic flower bouquet sitting innocently in a little pot on my coffee table._

_“Alright,” I waved my hand a little towards the television. “Feel at home, I guess.”_

_As cold water splashed my face, I can’t help but feel dread rising up my throat. What’s going on? Why is he confronting me for? Did he finally notice? I was subtle enough, wasn’t I? Johnny hyung said I’m doing fine, so why is he here? Is there a problem? Maybe he just wanted some company. Why so early in the morning though?_

_I finished up, and in order to calm my nerves a little, I went to the kitchen first to make myself some coffee. When it was done, I went back to the living room. He’s still in the same position as I left him, but his eyebrows are creased a little, as if he was thinking of something complicated._

_Sitting down by the single sofa facing him, I cleared my throat a little to remind him that he’s not alone in the room and placed my coffee on the table. He tensed a little, surprised, before relaxing when he saw me in front of him._

_“What is it, hyung? Something wrong?” I asked with caution. He’s still just looking at me, blinking a few times, contemplating how to start the conversation.  
In normal times, I would be busy calming my heart down that’s close to jumping out and tackling Taeyong hyung with love, but today, it’s thumping really fast and loud because of nervousness. I exhaled slowly, worried that he might sense its loud beating._

_“I just got dumped,” he finally said._

_“Huh?” I replied dumbly. It was something I didn’t expect he would say. I didn’t know he was dating someone._

_Then, my brain made a comedic, almost tragic, comical record scratch. All this time, he was dating someone? Suddenly, it all dawned in on me. Him being more giggly than he was before, him constantly checking his phone for new messages, him always coming home late during the weekends, him wearing a familiar ring in his right index finger.  
I looked down to his right hand that I was not able to notice earlier. Aside from it fidgeting like crazy, there was an obvious white mark around the index finger, a sign of a ring that used to be there. However, said finger is now sans ring._

_He noticed me looking at where the ring should have been. Suddenly becoming conscious, he hid his right hand behind his back._

_“It was Kim Dongyoung, wasn’t it?” I quietly asked, looking down. I don’t want to look directly at him. I don’t want him to see the hurt and tears currently blurring my eyes.  
He didn’t answer, but the silence spoke millions of words._

_No one spoke for what felt like several hours, the air heavy with tension. It was as if, if a bug was to fly across, it would be cleanly cut into two._

_But, like the good friend and martyr that I am, I managed to croak out, “do you wanna talk about what happened?”, hoping he won’t notice how forced my voice sounded like. It’s fine, it’s my job as his friend to listen to this. It’s surely unexpected, but the world would be boring if everything is predictable._

_“I, I don’t know. Actually, I’m a little confused. I was so sure that I like him, ever since we were in high school. All I ever wanted was to be with him, and just few months ago, it didn’t seem impossible anymore. We started dating, and--”_

_“Since when?”_

_My question was too sudden, he was dumbfounded for a while before answering, “five months ago, since the start of the semester.”_

_A memory of a man sitting by the bench beside the tree came to my mind. So, they got together when hyung went out to fetch Doyoung hyung that night._

_I became dizzy with many thoughts. Was Taeyong hyung the reason Doyoung hyung ran away? Is it because of hyung that he was crying? Was that why it was Taeyong hyung who relentlessly tried to contact him? If I didn’t tell hyung where he was, would things be a little different? Does he think I look pathetic now that’s why he went to my room to confront me?_

_“--hyun? Jaehyun? Hey, are you alright?” a gentle voice filled with worry and a light tap brought me back. I instinctively backed away because I was surprised, but I didn’t expect hurt to flash quickly before his eyes. “I-I’m fine,” I assured lowly, because honestly, I’m not really fine._

_He sighed before settling back on his seat. He looked at me for a brief moment, and decided to continue._

_“We started dating, because apparently, he’s liked me for a really long time, too. I was really happy that finally, he looked at me the same way I looked at him. Or so I thought. I feel shitty because every single time that I hang out with him, something didn’t feel right. As if I was missing something. I couldn’t tell him that time what I was feeling because he looked really happy. It was just recently that I realized that I wasn’t happy because he liked me back, it felt more like I was satisfied that what I worked on for years, what I invested on, became fruitful. I tried to take my mind off those thoughts because I really like the idea of him, but, terrible as it is, it has always been just that. I realized that I only liked the idea of liking him. It was confusing, I don’t know if I’m making any sense now, but that’s seriously how I felt. However, I kept on going out with him. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed all the time I spent with him, but at the end of the day, I was only fooling the both of us,” he paused, sighing. He took one sip from his now half-hot choco, gripping the mug tightly as if it would give him a little boost of courage before continuing._

_“Last night came the talk that I was anticipating. He confronted me. Of course, I was fucking terrified. The main reason is the thought of him breaking up with me, but I was also terrified of the fact that at the back of my mind, that’s what I have always waited for him to say. He asked me first if there was something he did wrong. I felt extremely guilty, it wasn’t his fault. I’ve been such an idiot, but I’m a coward for not admitting that to him, so I stayed silent. He asked if there was someone new, but I still stayed silent. He told me that whenever we’re together, I look like I’m not in my body, like he was just with a shell of a person, like I was not actually with him, like I was searching for something that wasn’t there. I still stayed silent, because I can’t deny what he said. Those were all true, and I’m very aware of that. That’s when he dropped it. That’s when he told me that we should break up.”_

_Silence._

_I can’t think of anything to reply. Sorry? Do I really feel sorry that they broke up? I feel bad, but honestly I’ll be lying if I told him that. But, if he’s hurting like this, isn’t it appropriate? He must have just realized now that he actually really liked him and that he’s regretting making Doyoung hyung feel that he wasn’t enough._

_I was about to tell him exactly that, but he went first with “but that’s not why I came here today.”_

_Stunned, I let him continue with a confused nod._

_“I’ve been thinking that this whole time, I’m looking at the wrong direction,” he took a deep breathe, bracing himself for something and that made my heart beat more loudly and quickly it almost hurt._

_He looked at me, determination flowing out from his eyes. There was also courage, and something. There was something laced with those emotions, something familiar, something warm, something welcoming._

_“Jaehyun, I like you.”_

-*-

I feel giddy every time I think of that. Really, you like me? How? Why? Since when? How did you know? When did you realize? Why so sudden? I was really confused. Were you thinking of me when you’re with Doyoung hyung? Was I that “something” that you feel like you’re missing? But more importantly, I’m really happy. Lee Taeyong likes me back? Have I done something heroic in my past life that I’m rewarded in this life? I feel so happy, as if nothing greater than that could ever happen to me.

Of course, I felt guilty. Doyoung hyung is a really close friend of mine. He takes really great care of me, though he would never admit that. How would he feel if suddenly I popped up in your equation? It should have been simple between the two of you, but I suddenly showed up and made in complicated. I’m the outsider, I’m the stray grass, the awkward extra that suddenly became the protagonist. The two of you looked really good together. You have a dynamic that no one else can pull off, and you fit each other like two rare puzzle pieces, unique from the other pieces of the same image but are found at the center of it. The two of you are so compatible, even more than some celebrity couples they show in local TV dramas. I shouldn't have added to the chaos that I was pretty sure could have worked out if both of you tried for it. 

I’m sorry for running away that day, by the way. (I tried not to make it rhyme but oh well). I didn’t expect that at all. It was too sudden of a confession. I thought I would be the one making the confessing action, with you on the receiving end but replying with a “sorry, you’re just a brother to me.” How come I’ve never realized that you felt the same way too? I apologize for suddenly disappearing, I needed some time to collect my thoughts. I didn’t mean for it to look like I was ignoring you either, I’m really sorry.

But hyung, I like you too. A lot. Even longer than you thought I have liked you, if you ever thought of it. I like your smile, I like your charms, I like your talents, I like your mannerisms, I like your character, I like your traits, I like your beauty, I like your mind. I like every single thing about you, and I’m glad you feel the same way too. I would really love to go out with you. I think we shoud meet so I can elaborate more in person. If you want us to meet, go to the gazebo where we usually hang out at 6 pm this Friday. I’ll be waiting.

I like you a lot.

**Jung Jaehyun**

~***~

The boy gasps as he felt a sudden pain in his chest, clasping it until his fist turned white. He breathes loudly, trying his best to absorb oxygen into his body. His head suddenly hurt like hell as if it was squished between two heavy bodies. His eyes sting like needles are being forcefully pushed inside, thousands and thousands of it. It feels like drowning, but he's letting the water get into his system, not minding the possibility of it killing him. He's shaking, every part of him trembling as he struggles to make sense of what's happening to him. 

_Jung Jaehyun._ The name sounded too familiar, as if he's been saying it for a million times already. It was a name he's never encountered before, but still felt like a name that was once treasured but was brought away by the wind like autumn leaves. He tested saying the name out loud, and it rolled off his tongue with almost practiced ease, he could have easily confused it as his own name.

Looking down at the yellowish paper he's been holding a little too tightly, he worries he may have damaged the fragile thing so he quickly let go. Flattening out the small crumpled part, his hands hovers above the name once again. Below it, he just notices, was a wet spot. He didn't notice it, but he's been crying all this time. He's so confused, he doesn't have any idea of what's going on with him. He's hurt and he can't stop sobbing for the life of him.

Inside the old box where he got the yellowish letter is a small stack of old photos. He carefully looks at them all, each picture bringing about a throb in his head, but he tries to ignore the pain. All photos are crisp, if he hold onto it a little more tightly, a part of it would surely crumble. The faces were unfamiliar, all except the two who kept on appearing in most of it. 

He grabs a particular photo that stood up, the two familiar faces appear on it side by side. One face is of a young man, a handsome one in his youth. He has defined eyebrows, sharp eyes that glittered a bit, tall nose, prominent jaw, and lips that stretched a little, not letting his teeth out. Several piercings adorned his ears. He looks familiar, he looks like the large portrait of the boy's great grandfather displayed in their living room during his teenage years. He looks on for a little bit and concluded that it is indeed his great grandfather, Lee Taeyong. He chuckles a little, finally understanding what his maternal grandparents meant when they told him he's the image of the man. 

It isn't a shocker for him to find his great grandfather's face among it. After all, the house is their family's heirloom, passed down generation after generation. Each passing includes one strict rule: never go up to the attic, which in this case, the boy had simply ignored.

He was gobbled up by his own curiosity. What was so special in some dark, dusty place where sunlight hardly ever reaches the corners? Why would anyone keep everyone away from it? And so, he decided to go up when no one was looking, assigning his friend downstairs to keep watch. At first, there was really nothing special, just some old clocks, a few documents from several decades ago, an old piano, some old paintings, until his eyes met this old cardboard box. Said box looks ordinary, but somehow he felt something pulling him towards it, and now he's stuck in a dilemma he can't understand.

Beside Lee Taeyong was a face that looked gentle, his eyes looking at his great grandpa full of fondess, a little bit of his dimple showing. He looked soft, mouth a little open like the photo was taken in candid. However, it came out prettily, catching the two's emotions full of affection perfectly. 

The boy shuffles the stack once again, realizing that most of the pictures are similar to that, Taeyong and the gentle-looking man together, practically with imaginary hearts surrounding them. The deep feelings of love was so obvious, yet he feels pain in his chest once again. He's crying, sometimes hiccups disturbing his already unstable breathing.  
The last photo in the stack was of the two, arms around each other, smiles wide that their faces could have been ripped. Another sob comes out of his mouth once again, and one sob continued into a full-on bawl as he read the caption behind the photo.

_My last photo with you. I will always miss you, I hope you're in a better place now. Let’s meet again soon. I love you._

The caption was scribbled, as if the one who wrote it was crying as hard as he is now. He flips the photo again, staring at the two's grinning faces, and that's when he noticed it. Below the photo were two words that triggered great pain in his head and chest once again.

It read: **Taeyong & Jaehyun.**

He stayed there for what felt like hours, gasping in a lousy attempt to steady his breathing, grasping the box of memorabilia close to him as if it would soon fade into nothingness if he ever so slightly lets go of it. He tries to make sense of his feelings to no avail. All he knows is that somehow, he's yearning for the man that was with his great grandfather in the photos. 

After he deems himself more stable than he was earlier, he takes a deep breathe, rolling the old paper in its previous state, wrapping the red thread that was meticulously holding it in its place before he opened it. Before he had the chance to stand up, however, the door to the attic bursts open, the angry head of his mom peeking from it.

"Lee Jaeyong! Didn't I warn you about coming up in this attic? What are you doing over there?!" his mom seethes as she approached the 15-year-old boy who's busy wiping off the tears on his face. 

She puts her hand in her hips, going for the intimidating look. "You're disrespecting your great grandfather! And why are you crying? What is..." she wasn't able to finish her question when she sees the photos that her son is tightly but carefully holding. She looks at her son and sits down at his level. Putting her hand above his head in an attempt of comfort, she softly asks, "how did you get these?"

She sighs, but before she was able to touch the photos, he asks, "Mom, who is Jung Jaehyun?"

She was stunned so she paused a little, but after a while she simply shrugs. "I don't know, but he's someone really important to grandpa.He’s someone special. Your great grandfather used to tell me a lot of stories about him and this Jaehyun guy, but at the end of every story, he would just stare at something sadly," carefully coaxing the box, photos, and the letter out of her son's hand, she hugs him tight. 

The "it's okay, it will be okay" remains unspoken, and the mother and son tandem basks in the silence of the attic for about a minute or so, the occasional hiccups from Jaeyong the only sound that can be heard. Even his mother is confused as to why he reacted that way, but she had the feeling that it will be alright.

She gets away from the hug first, wiping her precious son's face free of tears and snot. She would have laughed at him in normal circumstances, but she thinks today is not an appropriate time. 

She stands back up, placing the box and all its contents back to where it was placed originally. With one look at her son, she quietly walks back to the attic door, gesturing for him to go back down. He follows, eyes still swollen but he holds his face up. 

After one last look at the attic, she went down as well, locking the door. However, the serene atmosphere is once again broken because of her son's piercing voice, yelling at someone.

"Ya, Jung Taehyun! I told you to look out! How did Mom find out I was up there?!" he runs after another boy of the same age. 

Taehyun cocks one of his eyebrows up at Jaeyong, teasing, dimple dipping at his cheeks, "well, if you hurried maybe I wouldn't think you were eaten by some attic monster up there! Hey, why are your eyes red? Did you cry?"

Jaeyong pauses to stare at his friend's face a little, the familiar pang in his chest once again knocking into him. He blushes, but still retorts, "Crying? Who, me? It... It's allergies! It's really dusty up there, you know."

Taehyun puts his arms around the other's shoulders, with Jaeyong obviously resisting. He fought for a little while before he giving up. "Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. Let's go to your room, I have another game to smash you again."

Jaeyong's mom continued looking at the two boys’ retreating backs. A soft smile forms in her lips.

_**"I'm glad you found each other again."** _

**Author's Note:**

> So, yey???? I'm not really good at writing happy endings so there's that. That wasn't the original ending I thought of, but the original just didn't sit well with me. I might post it in the future if I ever feel like it. 
> 
> It's my first time posting fic in ao3 and the HTML format is quite a pain in the ass ((((: The 'hyung's were a little out of place but it felt weird not adding them there so yeah,,,,,
> 
> Leave a kudos if you liked it! i'm currently writing a chaptered markhyuck fic and kudos/comments really motivate me
> 
> To S, Happy one month of kalat (: I hope you liked it!


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